Line-by-line fixes to problems in the first draft:
Refrain line 4: For she does not abandon her own children
Problem: Emphasis wrong on "children"
Resolution: Singing it... it doesn't strike me as being so bad, actually. For now, I'll leave it.
Verse 2, Line 7: That's what he gave to the young serving girl
Problem: Musical emphasis turns this into YOUNG serVING girl
Resolution: "young girl serving," "young girl servant," "serving girl there"... I dislike nonce words (although I'll use them) so I tend to want to go with "young girl serving." What's she serving? Dinner, clearly. I'll run it past some other people to see if the meaning comes through.
Verse 3, Line 6: Yes they prayed that she might help them in this thing
Problem: Sounds vaguely gangster; "thing," like "stuff," is a word best avoided
Resolution: None as yet. It's not that bad and one of the goals for the GTP is to knock these pieces out quickly. It's singable and the meaning is clear, so I'll leave it alone.
Verse 3, Line 8: That their dinner in full to her servants she'd bring
Problem: Flagged for scansion
Resolution: Was I smoking something? The line seems to scan fine this morning.
Verse 4, Line 6: That is dancing about inside of our trunk
Problem: Stress on "of" is awkward to sing
Resolution: "That is dancing about in our SOMEthing TRUNK" - traveling/trav'ling? Hate to delete the syllable to force the fit. "Baggage" is redundant. "Leather"? Or "wooden"? What's a trunk made of? Wood, probably. "That is dancing about in our wooden trunk."
Verse 5, Line 3: If Mary gave me a pork chop to eat
Problem: Stress on "to" is bad form, possibly awkward
Resolution: If Mary gave me a tasty pork chop.
Verse 5, Lines new 3, 5 and 7: "pork chop" in all
Problem: Musically stressed as "pork CHOP" instead of "PORK chop"
Resolution: This is a toughie. Yesterday, I wrote with the assumption that either single syllable word, pork or chop, could take the stress. But you know, we say "PORK chop" pretty consistently. I'll have to think about this one.