My love for you, a constant ache
I feel, arising at daybreak
With bare-footed steps I go
Through the cold and through the snow
I gaze upon an empty sea
Hoping so that I would see
Some wind-tight proudly lifted sails
Or ship's bow before the gale
- Not thrilled with the enjambment in lines 1-2. Also, "daybreak" really mucks with the meter. Needs a rewrite.
- Rather a few irregular lines, although nothing that (I think) music won't smooth out
- Tense changed from past to present to make rhymes. Good idea, bad idea?
- Last couplet was a bear; not sure I like the present one.
- Best line I couldn't use: "White sails filled with winter wind"
- One use of redundant "so." Maybe "Hoping yet that I would see." Mm. Yes, better.